


trains

by moonsfics



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Best Friends, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 16:47:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17308190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonsfics/pseuds/moonsfics
Summary: You meet Kim Namjoon in a train, and you befreind Kim Namjoon in a train. This freindship blossoms brighter everyday on the commute to school in the big city from the small town Namjoon and you grew up in. However, when a relationship sparks between one of your close freinds, Jeon Jungkook, and you, blurred lines are questioned.And Namjoon does not know how much longer he can keep his feelings for you hidden.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This story was originally posted as a sm + narrative series in my old tumblr (my new tumblr is actually moonsheld... i know i move I lot ahhhh) and I have recently edited to make it completely narrative. I hope you enjoy it :)

**September 2017**

You first talked to him while on the train to university. Naturally, as it’s the place you first noticed him. He’d sit quietly across from you, pen to the paper of his faux leather notebook, bag resting beside him the entire two-hour trip to the city. It wasn’t until a week into school that you noticed he attends the same school. You’d lose track of him, unbothered by that seen as you weren’t trying to stalk him, and never realized you both rode the same bus from the train station to the school.

When you finally realized he also rode the same bus it was only because you ended up sitting right in front of where he stood. He looked down at you, sheepish look on his face as you both smiled, amused by the turn of events. Who would’ve thought that two kids from the same small town would end up going to the same school and be both liberal arts majors—as you later found out.

This was two years ago, now every morning you take the train, you sit next to your best friend Namjoon.

The friendship blossomed naturally. Two kids who were attending school in the big city alone, all of their friends back home running family businesses or attending community college, it was bound to happen that you’d start leaning on each other for support and understanding. Only Namjoon knows the pain of work and a three-hour commute to school, where you attend full time four days a week. He understands even the little things, like assignments, since you started taking classes together to help each other out. He’s your rock, and you know you wouldn’t be able to survive junior year of university without him. The best thing that ever happened to you was that train, and the man sitting across from you, writing on his notebook about the beauty of the scenery around him.

You look up from picking a different song on Namjoon’s phone to find him writing on his notebook again. Your head rests on his shoulder, at the perfect angle to read what he is writing. He’s talking about approaching fall and leaving the summer heat behind.

Most of his poems are unfinished when you read them, and it’s rare when you actually get to read them as complete pieces.

You remove one of your earbuds and pull one of Namjoon’s off. “Have you gone through the entirety of Blake’s syllabus?”

Namjoon nods, never taking his eyes or hand away from the notebook in his hands, “Mmhmm. Our first poem is due soon. Do you know when you’re going yet?”

You groan. “Ughh, yeah, I go fifth. You?”

Namjoon sighs, “I go fifteenth. Want to trade?”

“Oh my gosh, can we!?” you ask, now sitting up and giving him the biggest smile.

He finally looks away from his paper and looks down at you, smiling at the look on your face. “Yeah of course, you know I don’t mind going soon. I have a lot to choose from. Do you have any idea what you will write about?”

You slump back down at his question, the gratitude gone now as the struggle of finding a theme for a poem floods your mind. “You know I suck at poetry, Joon, I have no idea. Which one are you doing?”

He hums in thought and begins flipping through his notebook. He stops about ten pages after, and stops on one with the heading _Spring Days_

 

_Glass windows filtering the sun,_

_the landscape spreads, bright_

_like a canvas freshly woven,_

_the yellow hues_

_and the cool color of early morning_

_blue and grey, contrasting_

_brown deep of tree trunks_

_flashing by the window_

_reflecting your image brighter than sunlight._

_Glass windows in spring days,_

_when your smile is brightest_

_and I welcome how it overstays,_

_stretching over full lips, singing_

_a short high laugh, like red blossoms_

_giving my restraint a test_

_oh, how it grows in the crevice of my heart._

_Glass windows as my companion,_

_my personal telescope._

_I see into your constellation,_

_in warm daylight,_

_and see spring days full of hope._

 

You stare at the poem for longer than you probably should. You can feel Namjoon staring at you, his eyes roaming your face to read your expression.

“It’s not finished,” he begins, his eyes now on the poem, “I still need to re-read, and I really think it could use one more stanza but-“

You touch his arm and bring his attention to you, “I mean, I don’t know how much it might mean coming from me, but, I think this is beautiful. I get this sense that I can picture this poem. Like I can imagine it as a scene somehow. I have no idea how you do that by saying little.”

Namjoon’s cheeks redden and his cute, deep dimples appear as he smiles sheepishly, face down in embarrassment. “Thanks” he mumbles, the smile still on his face when he looks up at you, “and it means a lot coming from my best friend.”

You grin before sitting back and snuggling into Namjoon. You place your earbud back in, look down at his phone where you’re using an earphone splitter to share music, and skip the song that is playing. With the perfect song now playing, you look up beside Namjoon, out the window and at the landscape as you make your way to the city. The sun is rising above the horizon, the yellow and orange hues melting into the blue of the sky as morning rolls on. Your eyes focus on the glass of the window itself and you notice Namjoon’s reflection as he continues to look down at his notebook. He looks up and you catch his eyes, unsure if he realizes you’re watching him, or if he’s just looking out the window. Or maybe he’s looking at you.

You smile and Namjoon sighs beside you, giving you a huge smile.

_I guess he can see me, then._

* * *

 

**October 2017**

It’s 5:15am and Namjoon hasn’t arrived at the train station. You will make in in time for the first class if he gets here in five minutes, but after 5:30 you might be late.

You watch as everyone steps into the train, taking their seats. You look around to the entrance, trying to look between and past the people rushing in to catch the train to see if you can spot Namjoon. You look for him for a whole minute, the train leaves, and you sigh, looking around you to sit at one of the empty benches. You’re the only one here.

With your earphones out, you play some music and shove your hands into the pockets of your jacket. It’s not really your jacket though, it’s Namjoon’s, but you’ve had it for months now and he probably will never ask for it back.

The air is smooth but cold. For mid October, the weather hasn’t been too bad, but you can feel the colder days coming, and you can’t wait. You have always favored fall and winter over summer, especially since they lead to spring, which still holds your best memories. It means the town fair, park outings, spring seasonal cold drinks at Yoongi’s family café.

But fall and winter have their own staple drinks and outings you make with your friends, and you really can’t wait for them to start. Jungkook invited you to the evening market in the neighboring town tonight once you are free from classes. He said he’d meet you there, and you hope you can still meet him, but if something is wrong with Namjoon you’ll have to cancel.

As the song changes to the somber and chest aching feeling of Florence + the Machine, you turn to find Namjoon tapping his train card on the monitor, then rushes over to you.

You remove one earphone as he catches up to you, bending to catch his breath.

“Why didn’t you get on the train?” he asks between breaths.

“You were taking long, and you weren’t answering your phone, I was worried.”

Namjoon frowns as he takes his phone out of his pocket. “Shit, sorry, I left it on vibrate and didn’t feel it. I knew I was late because of the house clock but I didn’t even think to check my phone, I was in a hurry.”

“What happened?”

Suddenly, his posture changes and he shakes his head, “First of all, hey, good morning,” he says, his voice still a little breathless as he reaches for you with both arms.

“Morning,” you mumble against his chest in his tight embrace. He plants a kiss on your forehead, then steps back. “So what happened?”

“I was about to leave, so I was going to go say goodbye to Tae and make sure he was up before college because he didn’t wake up to have breakfast with me—Jin had already left for work—and when I stepped into his room he was sound asleep, but when I tried to wake him he was boiling. He had a fever. So I had to stay a bit longer to check him up.”

“Oh no, is he alone?”

Namjoon hates leaving his brothers when there is something slightly wrong, after their parents left to work abroad they relied on each other and watched over their grandmother alone. Jin had to take his grandfather’s position as the owner in their flower shop and help their grandmother. He didn’t mind it as he went to business school and was hoping to open his own business someday, but it was still hard on him to deal with the loss of their grandfather and their parents leaving the country to make more money.

Namjoon, as the middle child, never really spoke his mind with them. Whenever you spent time with them it was always Jin and Taehyung relieving their stresses while Namjoon stayed silent with his brothers. But not with you. He took his parents leaving really hard. And he still hates his father for taking their mother. They’d gotten a divorce years ago, he even had another family in the city, had other kids he and his brothers never met, but then he came back to town and made their mother fall for him again and took her away to a place where he could make money for his other family. He also resents his mother, but not as much as his father.

You understood that more than anything. You had to live with your grandmother after your mother left abroad when your father died. She couldn’t take living where all the memories of him were, so she had to go, and had to leave you behind because she knew she wouldn’t be able to handle having you. To this day, you cannot bring yourself to talk to her, but you know you’re better off. She’s toxic, she made everyone around her miserable after he died, even yourself, so you know its better this way. But you understand how Namjoon still has that resentment because it lives in you, too.

Namjoon brings you back by shaking his head while placing a hand on the lower part of your back to walk with you towards the train that’s arriving. “No, I had to call grandmother, she was at the shop with Jin already but she was on her way home when I left. I left him covered in cold towels.”

“Oh okay, well, I hope he feels better soon.”

You take out your phone and send him a text. He won’t be able to read it any time soon but you hope it cheers him up when he reads it.

 **You** : _Taetae, I hope you feel better soon. I’ll take you some warm pancakes soon xxx_

You lean onto Namjoon as you step into the train and walk over to find your usual spot. When you sit, he takes the dangling earphone and listens to your music with you as he takes out a notebook and starts writing.

You take out the book you were reading and lean your head on his shoulder, your usual position. He leans momentarily onto you. The act is small, his cheek leans onto your head for a few seconds before he regains posture and continues writing. You look up to smile at him, he doesn’t look away from his work but still smiles lightly, one dimple appearing subtly on his left cheek.

* * *

 

Namjoon had been afraid to ask all day. He doesn’t know how to bring it up, but Taehyung told him yesterday morning what Jungkook had told him—that Jungkook and Y/N were going on a date. He was still trying to figure out how that made him feel. He didn’t know how to react when his brother told him, so he just said a small “Oh, she hasn’t mentioned it.”

Taehyung had narrowed his eyes at his older brother, like he could see right through him. Namjoon isn’t stupid, he knows his brothers can tell, even if he has never said the words out loud to anyone—well, not to anyone who is aware that’s what Namjoon is saying, because when he reads the poems about her in class they don’t know who she is. And she can’t seem to realize.

Somehow, Namjoon is okay with that, he has always been okay with that, because he would much rather remain her best friend than have her reject him and ruin their friendship. Even if it means having to watch her date other people who can’t seem to make her happy for long.

But now its Jungkook, one of their friends. Someone who has had a crush on her for a while, and who has pursued her for a while but she hadn’t seemed interested in the younger man, until now, Namjoon guesses, because apparently she had said yes to the market date.

As he follows her into the train after their long day at uni, he fiddles with the book in his hands, wondering when she will mention it.

“Have you called Naya?” she asks as they sit on their usual spot.

Namjoon nods, remembering his conversation with his grandmother, “She said his fever has gone down quite a bit, he ate a little bit of broth and is drinking water.”

“That’s good,” she adds with a smile. “Hey, umm, can we get off on the town before? I want to go to the evening market in the arts district.” She says nonchalantly as she takes out her notebook and continues outlining the essays she was working on at the library earlier. Her hair falls over the side of her face, hiding any blushing that might be creeping up, or any excitement Namjoon might be able to read in her expression.

Namjoon settles deeper onto the seat and mumbles a short “Sure,” wondering why she hasn’t mentioned Jungkook.

He places his headphones on and settles for connecting them to his phone instead of asking for hers, he doesn’t want to know what she’s listening to, afraid he might pry into whatever emotions she may be having by the mood in the songs. He’d think too deeply about it and wouldn’t be able to focus on the book he started reading earlier as well.

They ride mostly in silence, every now and then she will tap his arm and ask him a question about the assignment she’s working on, but that’s what all their interactions consist of until its time to get off.

As they walk down the street from the station in the neighboring town to head downtown, she reaches for Namjoon’s arm. She shudders as she grips his upper arm, leaning into him clearly because of the cold. Namjoon sniffles from the cool air hitting his face and looks down at her. She’ lost in her thoughts and in her music as they walk, looking around the unfamiliar city and watching the way the sun sets in the horizon, the way it paints the sky orange, yellow, and some red hues. Her eyes sparkle as she stares ahead and the reflection of the sun can be seen in her eyes. Namjoon can’t help but sigh as his chest feels warm, that is until he remembers where he is walking her to and his stomach twists uncomfortably.

Her hand runs down his arm until it reaches his. Her fingers run down his palm, making goosebumps to start, from the tip of his fingers, up his arm, and connecting back down in the pit of his stomach. Her touch centered, attacking right where he feels is stronger and deeper. As her hand slips into his, the cold weather is the least of his problems. She tightens her grip and the pit of his stomach burns.

What he would give to be able to squeeze her hand and not have it mean something different for her.

What he would give to be able to bring her knuckles up to his lips.

What he would give to be able to kiss them, and watch her smile in adoration as he does.

What he would give to have her look at him the way she looks at the sunset, admiration glistening from her shining eyes.

What he would give to have her hold his hand and mean something more than it does now.

He walks her, hand in hand, almost shaking the entire time, until they turn the last corner and reach the edge of the market where Jungkook is waiting, leaning against the wall of a shop, his hands shoved in his jacket while his camera hangs from his neck. He looks handsome and Namjoon has to admit Y/N would be silly not to notice him. Especially considering Jungkook is such a great guy and Namjoon knows he would treat her well.

However, the closer they get to him, the more nervous Namjoon gets, and the more uncomfortable he is with the idea of them dating. When Jungkook spots her, Namjoon lets go of her hand. The younger man grins at her, but when his eyes fall on Namjoon his smile falters. He’s still smiling, but Namjoon can tell he wasn’t expecting him to tag along.

“Hey!” Jungkook says greeting them both.

“Hey Kookie!” she replies excitedly before reaching up to engulf their friend in a tight hug. “Ready to start?”

“Yeah,” the man says, voice breathless as he smiles down at her, clearly taken aback by the sudden affection she gave him.

“Come on Joonie,” she adds, reaching for Namjoon’s hand.

Jungkook’s eyes dart to him, his eyes widening a bit, clearly not comfortable with the idea.

 _Neither am I buddy,_ Namjoon thinks.

“Uh no, its okay, you guys go ahead, I want to go check on Taehyung.”

Y/N frowns and stops reaching for his hand, “You said he was doing better?”

“What happened? Is he okay?” Jungkook asks.

Namjoon nods, smiling lightly at them, “Yeah he’s okay Kook, he woke up with a fever and he was feeling better, but I still would feel more comfortable going to go check on him. You guys go have fun. Take lots of pictures.”

“Oh, okay…” Y/N mutters. The disappointment in her voice satisfies Namjoon even though he knows it shouldn’t. He wants her to have fun, to enjoy herself, and he wont be able to do so if he’s with them, watching them—and she will notice his mood shift and not enjoy herself either. She notices mostly everything about him. _Mostly_.

Namjoon gathers his emotions and shakes his head, “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Give Taehyung a kiss for me.”

“Will do,” he adds, trying to give her his best smile. The dimpled one. The one that never fails to make her smile.

She smiles back. And Namjoon is about to say goodbye the way he always does with her—by cupping the side of her face and kissing her forehead—but he can feel Jungkook watching them, so he merely waves awkwardly before he starts walking away, not wanting to see the way she may lean onto Jungkook for warmth this time.


	2. two

**October 2017**

“Stop it,” Namjoon mumbles from his seat beside you. His eyes are glued to the computer screen in front of him, his eyes never leaving the essay he’s been working on since last night. The gloomy light of the library’s computer center dances over his now dirty blonde hair, making it look a shiny shade of grey-brown.

“Stop what?” you ask, studying his profile.

“It’s the third time you’ve made a deep wistful sigh. Stop torturing yourself by looking at Jimin’s Instagram,” he says, tone quiet, eyes still focused on the screen as he types away.

“B-but, it’s Italy, Joonie,” you whine with a pout.

At the tone of your voice he turns to give you a raise of his perfectly shaped brow. “We’ll get to go soon, don’t worry. Looking at his posts will only make you sad. We’ve been saving for a while now.”

Jimin had just recently returned from his family trip to Italy. He went to visit some family members living there, but also to enjoy a good two weeks off from work. You had been torturing yourself with his instagram updates any chance you got.

“I know,” you say, sighing again, “but what if all I have on my savings account is like 15% percent of what we need. How will we know we’ll have enough by the time spring break rolls around?” you add.

Namjoon had promised that he wouldn’t peak at his savings as long as you did the same, but now that you think it over you realize the flaw in your plan—what if its time to buy the tickets and you don’t have enough, or you’re about to change money and you don’t have enough for food or for lodging?

Namjoon shrugs, then turns back to his screen. “We’ll be fine, don’t worry. As long as you’ve kept adding to it it should be enough by then. And if anything, I have a separate savings account and I can always access it in emergencies, I’ll just have to let the bank know when we get ready to leave.”

You also have a separate savings account, for the future, like the future car you desperately need now, so you would rather if you didn’t need to use it.

But you and Namjoon have been planning this for a while, and you’ve wanted to go to Italy for so long, that there is nothing you won’t do to make it happen. You have already been looking at flights and hotels, and hope to purchase them soon to prepare, and get fair prices.

“If anything,” Namjoon says after a while, breaking the silence, and consequently breaking the pensive state of your attention, “it wouldn’t be so bad to get lost in Italy.” He turns to give you a small smile. “I can open up a flower shop, you document with your camera, I write poetry.” His eyes are glossy, shining with the dim light, but also brightened by the dream he describes to you playing out behind his eyes.

The lovely look on his face makes your chest bloom. With a slow hand, you reach up to brush some of his hair away from his eyes. Namjoon’s eyes focus on you and you just about gasp at the softness his eyes begin to show as they find yours. “Yeah,” you manage to whisper.

Namjoon gives out a shaky breath, he shakes his head, making you retreat your hand, and then he smiles before turning back to his paper.

You give Jimin’s instagram one last wistful look before locking your phone and turning back to your paper.

* * *

 

Sooyoung drags the pitcher of ice tea over the table and pours everyone more on their glasses. It’s time again for the weekly lunch with your old high school friends. Old because of having been friends for a long time, but your relationship still remains pretty much the same with everyone, considering the small town you live in. It’s easy to keep in touch. Sooyoung lives literally across the street from you, and Jennie down the street in the corner.

“When are you going to see Jungkook?” Jennie asks as she takes a bite from her sandwich.

You shrug. “I don’t know. We went out a week ago, he took me to dinner at _Lenny’s_.”

When you had gone out to the market with Jungkook, you had no idea that was a date. Clearly you missed the signal, because everyone knew but you. Of course, Jungkook was embarrassed when you brought up the confusing texts Namjoon had sent you when he said he did not feel comfortable staying with you when it was a date. You wanted Namjoon to come along but clearly he got a signal you completely missed from Jungkook.

“He took you to a diner?” Jinsoul asks, the corner of her lip twitching in confusion. 

“Wait, you went to _Lenny’s_ with Jungkook?” Yoongi’s voice suddenly says, causing you all to turn in his direction. He stands at the right side of the booth, his black apron on while he carries a fresh batch of fries on his hand.

“Is that for us?” you ask reaching for the plate in his hand. 

Yoongi nods and lets you take them, but he continues to stare at you.

“Are they on the house, cause I’m empty,” Sooyoung says.

“Of course.” He nudges Jennie, who glares at him but scoots over and lets him sit beside her. “But tell me, how could you take Jungkook there?”

You frown at Yoongi as you shove a pair of fries in your mouth, your cheeks flush at the judgement in his voice. “It wasn’t my idea… Jungkook surprised me by taking me there.”

“I feel like I’m missing something,” Sooyoung interrupts, her eyes looking back and forth between a glaring Yoongi and you.

“Is it that he took you to a diner on a date?” Jinsoul suggests.

“No,” Jennie says, “it’s that _Lenny’s_ is Y/N’s and Namjoon’s place,” Jennie says, at which Yoongi nods, stretching his palms out to emphasize the obviousness.

You feel all the blood rush to your cheeks, “No it isn’t, I-I mean, yeah, we spend a lot of time there together, he does some writing while I edit photos a lot of the times, but its not like its _our_ place.”

Yoongi raises a brow, “How do you think he would feel if he found out?”

Your eyes widen.

“I’m sure she already told him,” Jinsoul says to your defense, but when she turns to you in hopes of agreement, she finds the expression on your face, “You haven’t?!”

“Ever since you started dating Jungkook, you seem a little distant from him,” Jennie wonders out loud, her tone worrisome.

Your eyes roam over your friends’s faces, hoping they’ll see in your alarmed eyes the discomfort the scrutiny is bringing you, but they only continue to stare.

It’s not on purpose, your distance from Namjoon when it comes to Jungkook. But it seems like Namjoon doesn’t like the idea of you dating him, and you’re not sure how to ever bring him up without causing an awkward silence or a strained conversation to start. The same goes with Jungkook, he doesn’t even like it when you bring up Namjoon in passing—he’ll make a face.

“I guess I should’ve never started dating someone we’re friends with. It already ruined the friendship between Namjoon and Jungkook.”

Yoongi shakes his head in reassurance, “It’s not that babe, they’re fine. We hung out yesterday with them at the flower shop and they were talking like always, but it was unusual how Namjoon didn’t bring you up once—which he _always_ does. And Jungkook only brings you up when Namjoon isn’t around.”

“I-I’ll talk to him tomorrow when we head to the Fall Fair at Little Springs,” you mumble before you reach for more fries. The ride to the town will be about forty minutes, so it will give you plenty of time to talk.

However, you don’t expect the text you get later that night from Jungkook, asking if he can come to the fair with you and Namjoon. Instead of texting, you press on the call icon and wait for his face to pup up in the video call.

“Hey, whats up, did you get my text?” He’s wearing his pajamas already, face bare and a little red from the product he was most likely applying just before.

“I did, but I can’t really say whether you can come or not… I’d have to ask Namjoon.”

Jungkook shifts on his position on the bed, the phone shaking a bit. You move too, form standing by the door of your room over to your bed. You pull over the sheets and snuggle into the bed.

“Can’t you ask him?” he says after a while of watching you get into bed.

You shrug. “I guess, but this is a thing Namjoon and I do every year…”

“I know,” Jungkook says, his thumb coming up to fiddle with his bottom lip. “But I really miss you, we haven’t seen each other in a while, and I really wanted to invite you out on another date, and I thought it would be the perfect place. I remembered you go there with Namjoon so we can make sure its not really a date, but I would still love to hang out with you there. Plus, it’s a great place to take some pictures and videos. I would love to make a video vlog of a day in the fair.”

You smile at his enthusiasm, realizing that’s the most he has said in your video calls. Mostly he just stares and watches you speak and will share little here and there.

“Okay, let me go and ask him, okay?”

Jungkook nods, then ends the video call after throwing you a small kiss that makes you giggle.

You shoot Namjoon a text after he doesn’t answer your video call or phone call.

 **—You** : are you asleep? [12:14 am]

 **—Namjoon** : no sorry, I was working on a poem and I had my phone on silent. Barely checked it rn, whats up?

 **—You** : So… Jungkook wants to know if he can join us tomorrow?

 **—Namjoon** : Join us? On our tradition to go to the fair, one that we have kept for almost three years now, part of our seasonal traditions of every year?

 **—You** : yeah…

 **—You** : Joonie :/

 **—You** : I’m sorry, you’re right

 **—Namjoon** : I don’t mean to be the bad guy, I really don’t.

 **—You** : I know, I know.

 **—Namjoon** : I understand you two just started dating but… I hate being the third wheel Y/N. It makes me uncomfortable.

 **—You** : but you’re not, oh my gosh. Joon, I never meant for you to feel left put like that. You’re my best friend and I’d never want you to feel like the third wheel.

 **—Namjoon** : Even if you guys tried to make me feel included, it’d just be awkward. I feel like I cant be myself with you around him.

 **—You** : Joon..

You had noticed that too, and you cant help but feel somewhat guilty. Your stomach twists uncomfortably.

 **—Namjoon** : Now it’s gonna be weird tomorrow…

 **—You** : It won’t be, it cant ever be between us.

 **—Namjoon:** But I just practically said I don’t like hanging out with you and your boyfriend together.

 **—You:** he’s not my boyfriend…

 **—Namjoon:** Y/N…

 **—You:** Still, I wouldn’t be mad at you for saying no. I just want to spend some time with you too.

 **—Namjoon** : really?

 **—You:** yeah…

 **—Namjoon:** then why did you ask?

 **—You:** he wants to come along, and idk I kind of see how it would be nice to go with him, he was enthusiastic about it, but at the same time I know this is our thing..

 **—You:** I’m sorry I even asked.

 **—Namjoon:** no it’s going to be okay, don’t worry.

 **—You:** I hope 😣

 **—Namjoon:** don’t worry too much, I will see you tomorrow. Sleep tight, and stay warm 💙

 **—You:** I will, thank you. You too 💕

 **—Namjoon:** I love you.

 **—You:** I love you more :/

 **—Namjoon:** not possible

 **—You:** 🔪

 **—Namjoon:** alright alright, don’t get aggressive, go to sleep 😂

 **—You:** fine😘   

You call Jungkook and he answers the phone quickly.

“Did you talk to him?”

“I did, and I’m sorry Jungkook, no. He’s just afraid of being a third wheel and also… well, this is out thing, it’s almost like a tradition. “ you’re glad this is a phone call because you would hate to see His disappointed face.

“He would’ve be a third wheel…”

“He’s still feel like one and I don’t want him feeling like that.”

“ I see.”

The reply is quiet and clipped.

You stare at the dark ceiling and feel. Your stomach twist uncomfortably.

“I feel responsible to place Namjoon’s feelings first here… it was his decision to start this so I should respect his feelings.”

“You don’t want me to come along either, though. Am I correct?”

You bite your lip. “Honestly? No… it’s just… this is our thing. I’m not saying you and I can’t go together some other time though/“

“Yeah,” he clears his throat, his tone shifting again, “I know, I get it. He’s important to you.”

“He’s my best friend, Jungkook. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I understand. He will always come first, should’ve known better…”

“Hey, come on, don’t be like that.”

“Goodnight,” is all he says and then hangs up.

You sit up a little startled, never thinking he would hang up on you like that. You send him a few texts but he ignores them.

—You: goodnight then. [1:08 am]

 

* * *

 

Namjoon stands just by the porch of your place, leaning against one of the trees. He’s wearing jeans, a turtleneck, his jean jacket, layered with another hooded jacket under it. He’s got on those boots he usually wears when you two are about to go explore somewhere, and he has his bag with him—most likely full of writing supplies and snacks.

You’ve got on a turtleneck as well, with a jacket on top, tights under your jeans to protect from the chill of Little Springs’s fall. The camera bag is sling across your shoulder.

Namjoon smiles when he sees you and you can’t help but melt into it and run to his side.

He looks concerned when he hugs you, but you spend little time looking at his face before you bury your own into the crook of his shoulder as he embraces you, engulfed in the scent of his cologne.  

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

You hope the conversation you had last night over texts didn’t ruin anything between you and Namjoon. But you also hope things with you and Jungkook are okay.

“I’m sorry about last night,” you say, voice muffled as you hold him tightly, fingers tight against the fabric of his jacket on his back.

Namjoon’s sigh vibrates against your chest. He gives your temple a kiss, which is enough for you to stand upright to look at him.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. We’re fine. If anything, I’m sorry that I had to put you in that position, it must’ve been hard telling Jungkook. I’ll talk to him later, okay?”

The worry in his eyes makes your stomach twist.

You shake your head. “No, no. It’s fine, I’ll figure it out myself, I don’t want you two arguing—it’s the last thing we need. I’ll see how I can get him to talk to me…”

“He’s not talking to you?”

You shrug. “He ignored me last night after I tried to continue talking to him. He… he said I’ll always put you first.” You look away from the frown on his face, unsure of what exactly his concern means.

Namjoon only rubs your lower back and pulls you in closer. “Relationships are hard. Especially when you’ve got a best friend from the opposite sex, and are dating someone who was already your friend.”

Finally, you look up at Namjoon. His expression is soft, his eyebrows still slightly knit in concern, but he’s trying to smile.

“Shouldn’t it be easy, though?” you ask, tone quiet, and almost like a whisper you add, “Dating someone you’re friends with, shouldn’t that be easier. Better.”

Namjoon’s Adam’s apple bobs up and down, then he shakes his head. “Not always, little one.”

You stay quiet for a bit, lean your head on his shoulder and let the sudden small breeze that’s emphasized by the rustling of the leaves above the trees dance around you. It makes your cheeks cold, so you lean into the touch of Namjoon’s hand when he cups your face to get your attention.

“Come on, let’s get going.”

You follow behind him, your camera out to snap some pictures of him. Before you reach the train station, you got for his bag and take out the Polaroid you knew would be in there. He’d borrowed it a few days ago and the Fall Fair is the perfect place to take some instant film photos.

For ten minutes, the train ride is quiet. There aren’t many people on the car so the silence stretches between you and Namjoon as the train goes on, your eyes focused on the scenery passing by the glass windows.

Namjoon opens his bag, and just as he’s about to take out his earbuds, you stop him.

“Can we talk?”

He nods before retreating his hand back to rest on his lap.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Always.”

Your eyes search his face. You look at the way his hair is tucked perfectly into the cap he’s wearing, and oh how you wish it wasn’t so you could brush some of it back between your fingertips.

“Do you… do you not like me dating Jungkook?”

His eyes momentarily widen before he shifts uncomfortably on his seat and clears his throat.

“Why would you say that?”

You shrug. “I don’t know, you just seem not okay with it somehow. Is it bothering you?”

Namjoon’s right eye flinches and you frown.

He turns slightly to face you and reaches for your hand. He places your palm atop of his as it rests on top of his bag.

“I’m gonna be honest with you and say that it’s a bit weird for me, considering how he’s my friend too. But, whether it bothers me or not, that shouldn’t affect your relationship with him. I want you to be happy.”

His words make the pit of your stomach twist. You squeeze his hand.

“I know, but, your opinion matters to me a lot. You’re the only one whose opinion really matters actually. I don’t want you going out of your way to not mention me in front of him in fear of what he might say, and vise versa. I don’t want things to be complicated with our friends.”

Namjoon squeezes your hand as his eyes look between yours, engaging you in his soft gaze.

“Do you like him?”

Jungkook is great, without a doubt. He’s good to you, has the same passion for film as you do, although his more video, but you still find common ground and have plenty to talk about. He’s sweet with you as well, attentive even, and of course you enjoy his company. However, something seems off, and you can’t pinpoint what it is. He likes you, a lot, and you find him attractive—extremely attractive—but maybe you still see him as the younger friend who had a crush on you.

Or maybe you just don’t think you’ll ever like him as much as he likes you.

You nod, slowly. “I do.”

Namjoon frowns. “That didn’t sound convincing.”

“I just- I do like him, but I feel like he likes me more than I like him, and this is why I’m not really trying to see him often. Shouldn’t I want to see him?”

It’s Namjoon’s turn to shrug. “I guess. But you shouldn’t want to cancel plans with your best friend to go see him,” he says, the corner of his lip twitching upwards with a smile.

“I didn’t want to do that, I promise. But shouldn’t I though?”

He shakes his head. “This isn’t a high school drama, babe, you can’t expect to be head over heels for him right away. You want that kind of love, where you’ll drop anything for him the minute he calls for you, that’s just rare. He can’t be the center of your world. That’d be a toxic relationship if you ask me.”

_I’d drop everything if you called and needed my help._

“Toxic how?”

“Too dependent on him. It’s good to have your separate friends and separate lives. If he called you right now and said he needed you, would you go?”

“Needed me how?”

“Exactly. It’s better to ask what he needs than just run at the sound of his voice. That kind of romance isn’t what you want.”

“Yeah, it’s not. But I guess I’m putting the pressure there, wanting there to be more I guess.”

“It’ll be fine. If you two communicate well, you’ll work it out. You both deserve to be happy.”

Namjoon smiles lightly and briefly before he lets go of your hand to resume with his earbuds. You watch as he puts them on and plays the first song. He relaxes his posture and falls further down his seat to lean against you, his eyes closing to take a nap. You reach for his face with your right hand and tilt his head towards your shoulder so he can sleep against it, leaving your hand to rest a bit on his cool cheek.


End file.
